Distance from A to where you'd be
by AGENT Kuma-chan
Summary: Suzume's eyes burn white hot, like the tail of a comet. What's left when the comet burns away? -Suzume and the art of moving on. (Shizume, Mazume)


**Title:** distance from A to where you'd be

**Prompt:** 20. "It's okay", the floatation ring for a sinking heart

**Character/Pairing:** Shizume, hints of Mazume

**A/N:** Pretend that Mamura's birthday is not Feb 10th as the wiki said but March 10th. Mainly because I realized that after I wrote this and there is no way I'm going to mess up my stuff. Anyways, this fanfic is set during that period between "I return from country side" and "new school year!"

**Summary: **_Her eyes burn white hot, like the tail of a comet. What's left when the comet burns away?_

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January is cold. The winter winds tug at her skirt, chilling her legs as she walks to school. Slowly, Suzume raises a hand to her mouth, breathing on it to warm it.

His hands used to do that. Big and warm, they used to hide her hands entirely. They were oddly smooth for a man his age, the only marks from paper cuts.

_Chun-chun_.

She drops her hand to her side and ignores the biting cold.

-x-

She only has to see Satsuki—Shishio—him at homeroom and history, and it's almost impossible to get through class without staring at him.

Without trying to make a sign—_notice me. Take it back. Love me._

The last one Suzume doesn't want to think about anymore. His hair is growing slowly, his eyes sliding everywhere but on her.

Is it hard on him too? She'd like to think that. Their short fairytale romance was more than just a one-sided crush, her feelings were returned. Even if not as strongly. Even if only for a while.

Then a classmate makes a stupid comment and he laughs and it takes all her strength to keep quiet.

-x-

"Do you think he cries about it?" she asks her rubber duck as she sits in the bath, sinking down until the water reaches her shoulders. "Does he sometimes think of me?"

Not as much as she does. Never as much as she does.

"Maybe he regrets it..." Suzume's voice trails off, her fingers drawing circles on the water.

She's reminded of bitter chocolate, of the hard taste of it. It's getting harder and harder to remember the ice-cream on the porch, the bright cotton-candy flavour she had before New Year's.

_Chun-chun_.

There's only darkness here. She's an angler-fish in the depths of the ocean.

"Maybe not." She gets out of the bath.

He hasn't said that nickname once since she returned.

-x-

_I love you_.

_I still do_, she thinks, but that's not allowed. Not anymore. He smiles, talking excitedly to another student in the corridor. She has examined his face every day in class.

Examined the craters and dips that make his skin. His eyes aren't puffy, his smile all natural.

It's hard to argue with reality. She can only see the glow he leaves in his wake, a trail that leads to where he is and where _they_ no longer are.

_But you never loved me_.

She takes those words and locks them in her heart.

-x-

"I'll walk you." Yuyuka states, standing in front of her. Suzume blinks, staring at her friend for a moment before nodding.

"Sure..."

"Hurry up." Her words are brash and abrasive, as always, but Suzume can hear something else in them. A secondary current, but what it means is beyond her. Despite spending half a year with her and Mamura, Suzume has found she can only skim the surface of their thoughts.

And they know the depths of hers.

"It's cold still," Yuyuka complains, stuffing her hands in her pockets.

"It's only February," Suzume laughs, shaking her head. "It's colder at home."

"Potato girl, don't tell me how much harder it is in the country." Yuyuka glares at her, before reaching up to rub her red nose. "I'd better not have caught his cold."

"Whose?"

"N-no one's!" A reddish tint colours her cheeks and she turns her head slightly.

Suzume doesn't quite get it. The wind blows and she shivers slightly. For all her talk, it was a cold winter. Nearby, she can store door swing open, a friendly chime ringing as a girl skips out of the store.

In the window she can see bright hearts and—

Oh. That day is coming up.

Her feet stop and she stares at the chocolate displayed, the girls heading in with a bright smile on their face.

Above her the sun shines and she is scared, scared, scared. Her heart beats like a jack hammer and she is terrified of looking above her. Of looking into that blue sky.

Her day time shooting star.

She doesn't want to see it now. She doesn't want to look up and watch it streak away from her.

She's even more afraid to look up and find nothing.

"Suzume?"

Yuyuka's voice filters in, a sound from outer space.

"Yes?" Her own voice sounds like it's submerged, the bubbles escaping. She can't breathe. All around her there is only darkness.

Her angler's light can only shine on her now. There is no one else in this underwater kingdom.

"Suzume!"

Yuyuka's hands are on her shoulders now, shaking them lightly. "Snap out of it!"

"Ah, yes...sorry..." She manages a wavering smile. "I thought...I thought I would be past this by now."

There's something unbearably soft in Yuyuka's expression for a second. It almost breaks Suzume before she finds the steel she had come to know. "It's a broken heart, it takes more than a few courageous words and a step forward to heal."

She lets go of her shoulders now, reaching down to grab Suzume's left hand. "I'm walking with you tomorrow too."

Her smile still feels weak. "Thanks..."

"Don't thank me. You're holding my bag, aren't you?"

At this she chuckles, and that feels neither weak nor forced. "Yes."

-x-

She is drowningdrowningdrowning.

Her lungs are full of seawater. She's drowning but she's never been more thirsty in her life.

-x-

"What's this?" Her uncle examines the small chocolate she's handed him curiously. "Is today special?"

"It's for...Valentine's day." Suzume almost can't say the word. It chokes her, sitting in her throat like clumps of seaweed. She manages it anyways.

"That was last week," he responds, looking at her now.

"I..." Her uncle never knew of her relationship. Didn't know of the first date or the stardust in her steps.

Didn't know of the heartbreak that's happened since.

"I forgot," She ends lamely, her hands grabbing the ends of her shirt. Yuyuka had been right about that habit, Suzume thinks idly as her hands tightly squeeze her shirt. "Sorry."

There's a long silence as her uncle stares at the candy and then at her. Then he breaks into a quiet smile and ruffles her hair. "It's fine."

He looks like he's about to say something else. His mouth opens, closes, opens again. A hand runs through his short hair.

Her hands clench her shirt tighter.

"Did you forget to give it to everyone else?" He finally manages and she almost sighs.

"I gave it to Mamura and Yuyuka—ah, she tapped my head after—and..."

Satsuki—Shishio would have liked it. Her eyes burn white hot, like the tail of a comet.

What's left when the comet burns away?

-x-

March is warmer, but only by a little. Just enough her hands no longer freeze as she walks and Suzume lets them hang loosely beside her.

Mamura walks quietly beside her, not saying anything as they move down the street. His buds rest in his ears, an unknown tune setting the pace of their steps.

"Exams are coming up," she states, her eyes remaining firmly on the ground.

She can tell by the small movement next to her Mamura's taking off an ear bud so he can hear her better. "You won't have a problem with the questions."

He snorts softly, before looking at her. "You will."

"At least make that a question," Suzume responds with a sigh, already picturing her uncle's face when her marks come back. "It's not like I'm bad at everything. Just math."

"Of course." He puts his ear bud back in and she can tell he's done for today.

Or not. Before they part ways, he stops her and pulls out a folder from his back pack. "Just this once," Mamura says, looking away as she stares at the file in his hands.

She doesn't have to look at him to know he's already changing colour when she takes the file. Flipping it open, Suzume reads the math notes, careful instructions jotted next to them.

Simple enough an idiot like her can read it.

Behind them are history notes and she holds the folder against her face. She wants to cry. She wants to laugh.

She settles with _Thank_ _you_.

-x-

_How did you get over Mamura?_

Suzume's written this email twenty times over the past three weeks, deleting it each time. New love or not, Yuyuka had still cried from the rejection.

It's a wound she doesn't want to touch.

It's a wound she doesn't want to carry anymore.

_How do you move on?_

-x-

It's night and she can safely look at the stars now. They glitter, a thousand suns and universes that she can never see.

A shooting star falls through the sky, blinding her.

"Another one..." Suzume murmurs. She rests her head in her hands, staring out the window. The stars stare back, the moon hidden in shadows.

Since coming here, she's only seen them at night. The day sky has never yielded another one and her memories of that time are growing fuzzier by the moment.

She dreads and anticipates the day that happens to them.

-x-

Suzume wakes up one morning, the taste of tobacco on the tip of her tongue. If they had kissed that time, would he have tasted like that?

At least she doesn't smell it anymore. It's almost a relief when she finds Yuyuka's flowery scent or Mamura's soapy one on her clothes instead. They cover her like a blanket and she spends her Sunday morning bathing in the familiarity of it all.

This is safety. This is home.

She has more treasures than just him, so many more.

And unlike him, they will stay hers.

It takes more courage than she possesses to turn to her window now and stare at the cloudless sky. It's bright blue, perfectly empty, and Suzume doesn't know if she should laugh or cry when she sees nothing.

No star is winking at her now.

She settles for both and leaves a mess of tissues in the garbage can.

-x-

Mamura's silent as they walk home together. She hasn't been able to look at him properly since his birthday, since his words that have meant so much and nothing at the same time.

But he's said nothing about it and she can feel the memory dissolving in the back of her mind.

"It's still cold," Suzume mutters.

"It's warmer now," he disagrees.

"Just a little," she reluctantly admits, looking at him. Her headphones rest snuggly on his head and she smiles at the memory.

She had picked the right gift after all.

Mamura stares at her for a moment before reaching into his pocket. A small key-chain emerges, a fish on the end, and he dumps it in her hand before looking away.

"Here."

"What's this for?" She examines the fish—a leaping tuna—before turning to him.

"Nothing." His face still stubbornly points in the opposite direction, though she can see the faint tint of red on his ears.

So touching a girl still unnerved him.

"I don't believe you."

"I said—" He cut himself off, a hand reaching up to adjust his headphones. It stays there, partially hiding his face from her. "It's for White Day."

"Oh." White day. Her lungs are only half-filled with water at the words. Not enough to choke and that thought takes her by surprise. She looks back at the fish. "You didn't have to."

"I know that." His hand still doesn't come down.

"Thank you."

He still doesn't look at her but his hand comes down now.

-x-

She spends the small gap between semesters in her room, throwing out the rumpled plans she hid under her bed.

The almost-dates and gift ideas and each and every list Suzume had made with Shishio's name on it.

The trash can is abysmally empty when she's down.

"Only enough to fill the bottom, huh," she comments as she stares into it. It's not surprising. Not really. How much could she have done in half a year? Even less, since it took so long for him to come around.

Her eyes sting lukewarm instead of white hot. The last memories of a comet.

"I have to move forward," Suzume reminds herself as she wipes them. "I have to."

There's nothing left when a comet shatters. Just fragments of what was.


End file.
